Study Shows Potential Jurors’ Enthusiasm Triggered Much Easier Than Rest of Population

MIDDLESEX COUNTY, NJ- Sociological researchers at Rutgers University released yesterday the results of their study, finding that the average potential juror needs far less stimulus to reach a state of enthusiasm than the general public.

The comprehensive one-day study took place last month at Middlesex County Courthouse. A separate control group was composed of 50 miscellaneous New Jersey residents.

The control group was found to need quite a large amount of stimulus to feel excited. A 23-year-old male from Piscataway, for instance, was quoted in the study as needing a lot of things to get him excited. “I work really hard and I have a few hobbies, so I already have a lot going on,” said the man, referred to as Fred in the study. “For me to get going, a roller coaster or giant water slide usually does the trick.”

However, the difference in stimulus needed for Francis, a potential juror sitting in a white-walled basement waiting room with fluorescent lighting, was large. “It’s extraordinary!” said Dr. Stephanie Johnson, who led the study. “Francis grinned ear-to-ear when she found a two-year-old copy of Vanity Fair to read. What’s more, she normally hates reading about pop culture.”

A survey conducted for both groups also revealed shocking differences in needed stimuli. In a pie chart representing the results for the control group, “Sexual Activity” received 36% of the vote, followed by “A Luxury Vacation” with 24% and “A Night of Drinking” with 22%. Other answers included “Riding a Horse”, “Watching ‘Game of Thrones’”, and “Going to a Sports Game”.

Meanwhile, results of the survey for the people on jury duty were noticeably much more mundane. “Reading That Book That’s Been Sitting on My Shelf for Years” and “Biting My Nails” received overwhelming approval, with 45% and 30%, respectively. “Sitting in a Paranoid Haze Wondering if I Put My Mother in a Good Retirement Home” and “Faking Cigarette Breaks” also received many votes.

Study assistant Glen Chapman speculates that one possible way to raise the stimulus level for potential jurors could be to, “play movies or have video games or something”. As for possible reasons for this difference from the control group, Johnson believes the stress that comes with the honor of jury service could make jurors crave distractions to ease the pressure.

“Advanced boredom is another possibility,” she added.

                                                                                -By Mike Vandenberg

Professor Astonishing 34 and Dimensional Warriors 75

Yeah, so quick note on what is going on. I have a new job, Ted is working at a camp that drains his whole week and my brother is over. These factors together somewhat ice all of my usual plans. Comics are going to start drying up soon, and while I am working on DW it is going to take a very different shape and will therefore take some time to prepare.

My brother's going to be back in college Aug. 23, and Ted should be back from camp either a bit before that or a bit after. Then we can get back to business as usual.

Also Mike is doing excellently, he's pretty much always on time. It's just me that forgets to get his stuff up.

People Who Now Need ID to Vote Happy About End of DOMA, Prop 8

 SOUTHERN U.S. - People across the Deep South Region whose states were formerly regulated by the Voting Rights Act are reportedly very happy about the end of the Defense of Marriage Act and Proposition 8.

One group of Texas Hispanic-Americans, all of whom must now show identification to vote, were elated at news that the Supreme Court has struck down both DOMA and California’s Proposition 8. Miguel Sanchez, who just two days ago was able to vote without his citizenship being questioned, said, “Today is a great day for our country.”

Meanwhile, a crowd of African Americans in Birmingham, Alabama cheered over the Court’s gay marriage decision. “It’s not full-on equality just yet, but this is a great step forward,” said Stanley Tormey, whose great-grandfather was subject to unconstitutional poll taxes for much of his life.

In a statement released after the verdict, President Obama, whose Attorney General no longer has the authority to reject maliciously-intended voting rules changes, applauded the ruling. “Today marks a historic milestone on the road to LGBT equality,” he said as equality for all races at the voting booth can now be changed at will by any state without federal approval.

“All we need now is for the rest of the states to legalize gay marriage once in for all,” said one high level Democrat, although interracial marriage wasn’t even legal in some of those states until 1967.

Frank Zippota, a gay marriage supporter standing in front of the Supreme Court pointed to the Capitol and said, “Now all we need is for the people over there to finish the job,” about an institution that probably won’t even approve a revised Voting Rights Act.

                                                                                          -By Mike Vandenberg