Animal Farmer Joe Media Still Savagely Beating Dead Horse Lohan

CATRON COUNTY, NEW MEXICO- Neighbors doing their yearly check-up on Joe Media’s farm yesterday confirmed that he has been beating his dead horse, called Lindsay Lohan, for seven years now.

Lohan, as the female horse was more commonly known, was born in 1986. Almost from the beginning, she exhibited the build of a racehorse that could do great things. Her original owner, Dina, saw economic opportunity in her running ability and enrolled her in races at some local tracks. She handily won them all.

She would later go on to win the Preakness in 1998. Given low odds even with her record, Lohan’s triumph resulted in a payout of $92 million for her supporters. Five years later, she won the Kentucky Derby on a cold Friday during a freak thunderstorm, earning her fans over $160 million. But it was all downhill from there for poor Lohan.

Shortly after that race, she was bought by Joe Media and moved to his farm in New Mexico. One night, Media brought the water trough into the barn. When he slammed the door closed, a bottle of Grey Goose vodka fell off the shelf and into the trough. Lohan would never be the same.

While still appearing in some races occasionally, Lohan’s alcoholism kept getting in the way. Stints in horse rehab proved futile, and Media began to beat her for her drinking. In 2006, Lohan succumbed to the combination of abuse and died. Witnesses reported that her last word was, “Neigh.”

For reasons unknown, Media continued to beat Lohan even after the horse died. In the past seven years, he has alternated which tool he uses for his endless savage beating, but typically uses a police baton. Every minute, he temporarily stops to take pictures of it lying there as it miserably decomposes. When questioned by reporters on their yearly visit as to why he is relentlessly beating his dead horse, Media said, “I just care. I care so much. Look at her; she used to be so talented and graceful.”

“This can’t possibly be my fault,” Media assured the neighbors.

                                                                                                           - By Mike Vandenberg