WASHINGTON-
A historic conference on the legalization of garlic bread/ketchup
unions carried on yesterday with no consensus in sight among the
nation’s top political as well as cultural leaders.
The
week-long conference, being held in the East Room of the White House,
was launched by President Obama as a platform for the nation to
discuss this controversial issue. In attendance were Senator Rand
Paul; Representatives John Boehner, Eric Cantor, and Nancy Pelosi;
and Governor Chris Christie. Celebrities who have been vocal about
the issue in the past, such as Lady Gaga and Ellen DeGeneres, were
also present at the meeting.
Supporters
of legalizing garlic bread/ketchup unions affirmed their belief that
restaurants should be allowed to serve the delicious side with
ketchup as a topping. Ellen DeGeneres, who has been eating the combo
since 2008, declared to the others, “With-Ketchup Americans are not
bad people. We will never tell you that you can’t eat your garlic
bread the way you want to. All we are asking for is to be treated
equally and enjoy the same feelings of deliciousness that With-Cheese
Americans take for granted.” Lady Gaga added that although she
personally liked cheese on her garlic bread, “My best friends in
high school loved it with ketchup. It’s not fair that they can’t
eat their bread with the topping they truly love.” Nancy Pelosi,
Democratic Representative from San Francisco, agreed, “Nobody plans
on forcing unwilling customers to add ketchup if they don’t want
to.”
Opponents,
however, said that such an item should not be permitted in
restaurants, arguing that adding ketchup violates the traditional
garlic bread and cheese combination. They expressed their belief that
adding ketchup ruins the sanctity of garlic bread. “Our belief is
that combinations of this type of food should only be between garlic
bread and cheese,” said John Boehner, current Speaker of the House
of Representatives. Majority Leader Eric Cantor added, “Allowing
ketchup to be put on garlic bread, we believe, is a slippery slope
that could lead to chocolate or worse: mustard.”
A
third group, while being against putting garlic bread with ketchup on
the menu, acknowledged that the item could still be delicious to some
customers by offering “ketchup substitute” instead. Chris
Christie, the main supporter of that option pointed out that while
the substitute is not actually ketchup, it offers much of the same
ingredients and a similar nutritional value. Still other leaders,
such as Senator Paul, believed that it was an issue for individual
restaurant chains to decide, not the federal government.
President
Obama, who had patiently listened to all sides so far, finally
weighed-in late yesterday. The president, who originally favored the
“ketchup substitute,” revealed to those present that he had
“evolved” on the issue. “I have a lot of friends, as well as
people on my staff, who love their garlic bread with a little bit of
ketchup. It would not be fair to look my daughters in the eye and
tell them that my preference for eating garlic bread is perfectly
fine, while their friends’ parents’ love of ketchup is not. That
being said, I support the repeal of DOGBA [Defense of Garlic Bread
Act], but still believe the ultimate decision on the menu item should
be left to the restaurant chains.”
At
the conclusion of the conference, all parties expressed their
satisfaction with the debate, along with their sudden craving for
some garlic bread.
-By Mike Vandenberg
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