Congressional Republicans Resign, Cite Ideology

WASHINGTON- The current Republican congressmen and women announced at a press conference outside of the Capitol yesterday that they were all resigning in order to stay consistent with their ideology. The decision is effective at week’s end.

GOP leaders made the surprise announcement after attending a three-day strategy session. At the conclusion of their meeting, they decided that this plan was the most consistent with their beliefs.

During the press conference, House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan stressed that resignation is the only way “to be truly fiscally responsible”. Referencing his previous budget proposals consistently being voted down in the Democrat-controlled Senate, Ryan expressed his belief that resigning is the easiest way to reduce government spending. “By my calculations, removing all 278 Republican congressmen and women will instantly lower federal spending by over $48 million annually. The American people can’t afford us not doing this.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said that he originally proposed saving money by just closing the Capitol building and running Congress in a conference room in the Hilton Hotel on K Street. “My colleagues liked the idea, agreeing that it would have the added bonus of convenience for our campaign contributors. But we realized that idea just didn’t go far enough.”

Representative Michelle Bachmann said that another reason her party decided to resign was to cut down on the size of government. Although they have tried in the past few years to dismantle “big government” programs the best they could, Republicans have only met minimal success. “This is a painless way to shrink the federal government,” said Bachmann. “By resigning, we’ll be cutting down Congress to less than half its current size. It’s that simple.” Senator Lindsey Graham concurred, rhetorically asking reporters, “Why are we even here?”

To do their part and keep Congress at a low amount of seats, Reince Priebus was also at the press conference to announce that he will be disbanding the Republican National Committee, of which he was Chairman. Priebus said, “We need to do everything we can to make sure those empty seats don’t get filled. We do that by not helping anyone get elected.”

When asked for comment, Democratic House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, clearly intoxicated, told a reporter she respected the Republicans’ decision. Witnesses walking past the White House said they heard loud laughter, though spokesman Jay Carney denied those reports.

                                                                                           -by Mike Vandenberg