“I Mean, One of Them Must be Good, Right?” Ponders Jets GM to Himself about 6 Quarterbacks on Roster

NEW YORK- After the second round of the NFL draft Friday, Jets General Manager John Idzik was heard mumbling to himself about whether his strategy to find a starting quarterback would be successful.

With their third overall pick, the Jets selected Geno Smith out of West Virginia after also signing David Garrard earlier this off-season. That brings the team’s quarterback count to six, with Mark Sanchez, Tim Tebow, Greg McElroy, and Matt Simms already on the roster. Idzik has advocated for an “open competition” at the position, not guaranteeing the starting job to any player in particular.

An assistant manager, who asked to be anonymous in order to speak to the media, claims that Idzik could be heard asking himself the question shortly after the selection of Smith. “He was shaking too. Eyes darting all over the room. He definitely looked unsure of himself,” said the assistant.

Idzik reportedly continued, “Damn it, I knew filling this position would be hard, but shit. I need to find a quarterback for this team, and I’ll draft them all until I find one with a completion percentage above 50%.”

“Surely one of these guys can play quarterback. Oh dear God I hope so,” Idzik also said.

When leaving the draft Friday night with his boss, the assistant also claims Idzik asked him if he’d ever thrown a football before.

Weekly Report 4/15-4/28

Hey, just checking in to let everyone know, work is still sort of being done. Both the comics and a few other projects are slowing down though since both Ted and I are in our last two weeks of classes. And I mean last as in we're graduating after this. So expect delays and non-existent posts for another few weeks. We're almost done here, and then we can be dumped into the great wide world where our degrees will cause us no end of trouble.

Professor Astonishing page 24

Dimensional Warriors Comic page 65

Sorry about how late this is. I forgot.

Kittens Are Cute Act Fails in Senate

WASHINGTON- The Kittens Are Cute Act failed in the Senate yesterday with a vote of 54-46, short of the needed 60 votes to overcome a Republican filibuster.

The shortest bill in Congressional history, it simply reads as follows, “As one nation of animal lovers, America henceforth expands its status of cute to kittens. Anyone who tries to put such status above other animals will face a mandatory prison sentence.”

Sponsored by Senators Joe Manchin, Democrat from West Virginia, and Pat Toomey, Republican from Pennsylvania, the bill was formerly seen as a compromise capable of passing.

Supported by President Obama as a first step, it was the cornerstone of a package to help kittens. Other measures in the president’s proposal, such as capping the amount of kittens allowed in a litter and banning large-breed cats like lions and tigers, were defeated under larger margins.

While the defeat of those measures was expected, few thought the Kittens Are Cute Act would fail as well. In a recent poll, the statement was found to be supported by 90% of Americans. An unusually high rating was thought to guarantee the bill’s passage.

President Obama was not short on words following the defeat, railing against Republicans in the Senate for “not doing their jobs” and not representing their constituents. In unusually direct terms, the president singled-out NAKA (National Anti-Kitten Association) in particular for “deliberately lying” to the American people, calling their actions shameful. “NAKA said over and over again, that this bill would be a slippery slope, leading to kittens being called cuter than spiders and platypuses, even though the bill would specifically outlaw such a practice.” Looking visibly frustrated, Obama added, “I mean, it’s two sentences long. It’s a no-brainer.”

First Dog Bo Obama said, “Although I support the right of animals to keep households for themselves, even I can admit that kittens are cute. It’s common sense.”

                                                                              -by Mike Vandenberg

Professor Astonishing page 23

Dimensional Warriors Comic page 64

Quartering Reform Still Faces Uphill Congressional Battle

WASHINGTON- Debate on reforming the government’s ability to quarter soldiers in private homes still faces stiff resistance from many Congressional leaders.

Prominent Republican congressmen have sponsored the bill, called the Quartering Reform and Military Readiness Act, which calls for allowing active duty troops to be housed in ordinary citizens’ homes, with or without the owner’s consent, near military bases across America. The proposal is seen by critics as a violation of the Third Amendment of the Bill of Rights, which states, “No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.”

Yet Republicans, such as Representative and House Majority leader Eric Cantor, have given a few reasons why “sometimes we must do what’s necessary to keep America safe. As a nation still at war in Afghanistan, our resources are stretched at home. Troops need a more comfortable place to stay, such as someone else’s home, to keep up morale.” Congressman Paul Ryan pointed out that having soldiers’ living expenses paid for by ordinary citizens could “contribute to our mission of making smaller government, one that does not need to waste money on frivolous things like the well-being if its fighting force”.

Most of all however, the proposal specifically cites the Patriot Act and Guantanamo Bay as examples of slightly bending the rules in order to “keep America secure”. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, when asked directly if he was concerned about violating the Third Amendment, replied, “Not at all, why should we be? After 9/11, we still respected the Fourth Amendment’s restrictions against search and seizure, but the Patriot Act was necessary to protect our freedom. And yes, other amendments may say something about due process and cruel and unusual punishment, but we still believed in opening Guantanamo Bay to hold suspects without trial.” McConnell continued, “I mean look, the Constitution is over 200 years old. Our founding fathers did not have to fight a modern war on terror.”

Senator Lindsey Graham added, “Don’t forget, the quartered soldiers will be armed. That’ll help make sure citizens have a gun in their home, so that they can strictly follow the Second Amendment.”

                                                                                                  -by Mike Vandenberg

Weekly Report: 4/8-4/14

Again just Dimensional Warriors this week. Everyones busy with school and stuff, just me who doesn't really give two damns (except my senior sem. class but DW is my work for senior sem anyway).

So here we go, I shifted the tense to present, so that might change things around. I also changed the chapter titles so they're a bit more understandable, and added color. Just to try something new.

Dimensional Warriors v11.09

Dimensional Warriors Fan Fiction: Training Chapter 8

Here

Upcoming this week:
Monday: Weekly Report
Tuesday: Mike Vandenberg
Wednesday: Dimensional Warriors Comic
Saturday: Professor Astonishing
Sunday: Dimensional Warriors Fan Fic.

Professor Astonishing Page 22

Dimensional Warriors Comic 63

Amanda Bynes Reveals She’ll Play Lindsay Lohan in New Biopic: Has Been Method Training for the Past Year

LOS ANGELES- Amanda Bynes yesterday revealed in an interview with Vanity Fair that her antics of the past year have all been part of her method acting training to play Lindsay Lohan in a made-for-TV biopic.

The actress, who got her start on Nickelodeon shows such as All That and The Amanda Show in the late 90’s and early 2000’s, will be starring in Bars of Metal and Alcohol: A Lindsay Lohan Biopic later this year on the Lifetime television network. To prepare for what she calls a “career-changing role,” Bynes has done her best to essentially “become” Lohan over the past year.

The term “method” refers to when an actor prepares for a role by indulging oneself in that character’s exact lifestyle to correctly embody its attitudes and emotions. The task has been appropriately demanding for Bynes. “When I was first cast as Lindsay, I knew preparing would be no easy feat. That’s why I got started with the process right away.”

She started out small on March 7, 2012, getting a traffic ticket for using a cell phone while driving. But it soon became clear minor violations wouldn’t cut it. “I had to go bigger than that,” said Bynes. The next month, she got a DUI after side-swiping a police car at 3 A.M. Bynes added two hit-and-runs to her record, one later that month and another in August, in order to, “help myself feel more like a drunken buffoon”. Finally in September, her BMW was impounded after she was caught driving with a suspended license. Bynes made it clear that she felt bad for what she put the Los Angeles Police Department through, “but I really needed to nail down the ‘I’m above the law.’ aspect of Lindsay’s personality”.

“I would also like to apologize to the other parties involved in my hit-and-run charges, along with anyone else who may have been hurt by my behavior. I’m not a self-absorbed drunk, I’m just playing one in a movie,” she said.

                                                                                                  -By Mike Vandenberg

Weekly Report: 4/1 - 4/7

Just work on Dimensional Warriors today. It's now in PDF format due to font.

Dimensional Warriors v11.08

PDF (.pdf)

I would like to note that I do not like to brag about my own work, or work others submit to this site. Art should stand on its own. You don't need some guy telling you what is good and what isn't.

Dimensional Warriors Fan Fiction: Training chapter 7

Here


Upcoming this week:
Monday: Weekly Report
Tuesday: Mike Vandenberg
Wednesday: Dimensional Warriors Comic
Saturday: Professor Astonishing
Sunday: Dimensional Warriors Fan Fiction

Professor Astonishing page 21!

Dimensional Warriors Comic page 62

I’m Converting to Judaism

A transcript of President Obama’s speech in Jerusalem Thursday is reprinted here.

Thank you, please be seated. Hello, everyone. Or as they say here, shalom! Let me first thank this wonderful university for letting me come here today. This message is not only for you, but for all of Israel, with whom the U.S. has a strong, unbreakable alliance, now and into the future. I stand here today to announce that I, Barack Obama, 44^th President of the United States of America, am converting to Judaism.

Recently, the bond between our two nations has been called into question. You see, many Republican leaders in America, in Congress and on Fox News, have doubted my words of support for this country are legitimate. All I've done is given you a friendly suggestion to stop building settlements in Palestine if you want any hope of a lasting peace. You've heard me suggest putting yourself in their shoes so you can see that all they want is their own land. Because a true friend doesn't tell you what you want to hear, but what you need to hear.

Yet somehow, by actually giving you reasonable, practical suggestions, my critics back home accuse me of renouncing our alliance. To be honest, this baffles me. We've practically sold Israel its entire stock of fighter jets for God sakes. Next time you fire a missile into Gaza, do me a favor and check the sticker on the bottom. It probably says, “Made in America”. Shouldn't a parent be allowed to tell his spoiled child to shut up and follow simple directions once in awhile  And yet I still do almost everything in my power as president to back Israel.

That is why I'm converting to Judaism. It’s the last thing I can possibly think of to affirm this alliance. I've thought long and hard about this, but I always reach that same conclusion. I mean honestly, help me out here. What else can I do? I've risked my life to come to this crazy place, knowing that nothing other than a photo-op will get accomplished by my visit. And yet I still hear complaints.

Yep, this is the only option. I'm not talking Reformed, either. I’m going all-in, full-fledged Orthodox Jewish. It'll be hard to question my faith if I have a yarmulke on my head all the time. Also, what better way to show that I stand with Israel than to celebrate Hanukkah instead of Christmas and Passover instead of Easter. Nothing’s wrong with showing too much support for the Jewish state. Or, as I now call it, my homeland.

Well, I better get going. I need to fly home before Shabbat; my new faith prevents me from using electricity on Saturdays. As America’s first Jewish president, I need to make sure I set a good example for America by attending Rabbi Goldstein’s Passover Seder at The White House. Shalom, my Jewish brothers.

                                                                                                             -by Mike Vandenberg

Weekly Report 3/25-3/31

Dimensional Warriors
Just these two today. First up I have really reworked the open quite a bit. So it's worth a look:

Dimensional Warriors v11.07
Word (.doc)
Open Office (.odt)
Rich Text (.rtf)
Text (.txt)

Dimensional Warriors Fan Fiction
And the other one isn't anything more than an excuse. I haven't really had the ability to sleep much this last week, between classes and house cleaners and people moving through the house sorting things to keep/sell/trash. It's astounding that I'm not passed out right now. So the short of it is no Fan Fic for this past week. Hopefully come Sunday I'll be alive again.