Professor Astonishing 33 and Dimensional Warriors 75

National Enquirer Admits to Only Following Four Celebrities for Past Five Years

LOS ANGELES- National Enquirer admitted in a brief statement yesterday that they’ve only been reporting on four celebrities for the past five years.

In the notice, Editor-in Chief Tony Frost said that they’ve only been actively following Jennifer Aniston, Lindsay Lohan, Kim Kardashian, and Miley Cyrus since 2008. “We came together as a team and realized we could save a lot of time and energy if we just focus on four celebrities,” said Frost. “As long as they all keep acting like a hot mess, why track down anyone else?”

Whenever someone gets suspicious, the statement mentions, they run a few leads that were handed to them from friends in the industry. “Otherwise we just have our creative writing department churn out a few attention-grabbing headlines,” said Frost. When asked for comment, Lindsay Lohan’s agent stated that she’s had an ongoing relationship with the tabloid for even longer than that. She added, “Let’s face it, collecting royalties from pictures depicting her as a drunken whore is pretty much the only way she gets work anymore.”

Kris Jenner, Kardashian’s manager, took a step further, saying, “This is Kim’s career after all, being a publicity figure. Why would she have said no and miss out on this opportunity? National Enquirer made my daughter a star.”

Later in the day, the magazine announced that rising publicity star Amanda Bynes had been added as a client.

                                                                                        -By Mike Vandenberg

Professor Astonishing Page 32

Dimensional Warriors page 73

Senator Lautenberg Succumbs to 113th Congress

WASHINGTON- Senator Frank Lautenberg (D-NJ) died Monday from complications of current congressional membership. He was 89.

Lautenberg served in World War II and was a successful businessman and CEO when he started flirting with politics. Flirting unfortunately led to reckless behavior, like deciding to run for the U.S. Senate in 1982. As the habit spiraled out of control, he spent a huge sum of his own money supporting a growing addiction to politics. In the election, Lautenberg was infected with the virus ST, short for Senate Term and a strand of the Congressional family. His doctors predicted that if he fought for his own pride and beliefs, he would be cured in roughly six years.

At that time, doctors instead discovered the disease had flared up again, meaning he would have to deal with another bout of senatorial membership. Still, Senator Lautenberg fought hard against the normal symptoms of partisanship and bruising of the skin to win key legislative victories. In 1994, the virus broke out again.

But still, through each break-out and until 2010, Lautenberg was able to get past the often-debilitating affliction. Even after doctors mistakenly believed he was cured for two years between 2001 and 2003, only to have senate membership break out once more, he took his illness in stride.

Since 2010 however, the affliction had taken an ugly turn; his battle with senate membership entered a new stage called Hyper-Partisanship that he could not recover from. Most damaging about this part of the disease is that a major treatment named Compromise is no longer effective.

Frail and constantly ill but never without his humor, Senator Lautenberg was rarely seen in the public eye during his last few months. In April, lack of basic gun reform combined with the common cold hurt his struggling immune system, though he did fight on until Monday.

Lautenberg is survived by his wife, Bonnie, as well his colleagues and fellow New Jersey Congressional Caucus support group members, Senator Bob Menendez and Representative Frank Pallone.

                                                                                          -By Mike Vandenberg

P. Astonishing 31 + DW 72

Between a crappy internet failing on me due to a storm and a new job the internet has succeeded in making everything late. So Congratulations! You Did It!

Congressional Republicans Resign, Cite Ideology

WASHINGTON- The current Republican congressmen and women announced at a press conference outside of the Capitol yesterday that they were all resigning in order to stay consistent with their ideology. The decision is effective at week’s end.

GOP leaders made the surprise announcement after attending a three-day strategy session. At the conclusion of their meeting, they decided that this plan was the most consistent with their beliefs.

During the press conference, House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan stressed that resignation is the only way “to be truly fiscally responsible”. Referencing his previous budget proposals consistently being voted down in the Democrat-controlled Senate, Ryan expressed his belief that resigning is the easiest way to reduce government spending. “By my calculations, removing all 278 Republican congressmen and women will instantly lower federal spending by over $48 million annually. The American people can’t afford us not doing this.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said that he originally proposed saving money by just closing the Capitol building and running Congress in a conference room in the Hilton Hotel on K Street. “My colleagues liked the idea, agreeing that it would have the added bonus of convenience for our campaign contributors. But we realized that idea just didn’t go far enough.”

Representative Michelle Bachmann said that another reason her party decided to resign was to cut down on the size of government. Although they have tried in the past few years to dismantle “big government” programs the best they could, Republicans have only met minimal success. “This is a painless way to shrink the federal government,” said Bachmann. “By resigning, we’ll be cutting down Congress to less than half its current size. It’s that simple.” Senator Lindsey Graham concurred, rhetorically asking reporters, “Why are we even here?”

To do their part and keep Congress at a low amount of seats, Reince Priebus was also at the press conference to announce that he will be disbanding the Republican National Committee, of which he was Chairman. Priebus said, “We need to do everything we can to make sure those empty seats don’t get filled. We do that by not helping anyone get elected.”

When asked for comment, Democratic House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, clearly intoxicated, told a reporter she respected the Republicans’ decision. Witnesses walking past the White House said they heard loud laughter, though spokesman Jay Carney denied those reports.

                                                                                           -by Mike Vandenberg

Weekly Report 6/3 - 6/9

I have most of the first book replanned out, but I don't want to discuss that here. So instead I will be going over a few concepts I have planned for the story, in particular the role the elements play.

I have an element list of 20 elements:
Fire, Wind, Water, Earth, Metal, Lightning, Psychic, Technology, Light, Dark, Animal, Forest, Time, Fate, Life, Death, Immortality, Selflessness, Selfishness, Dragon.

I know what each one does and how it differs from the others, and I'll probably get into that more when most of the progress is in planning events again. For now just know that there are 20.

So first I will talk about the core concept, each element has three parts to it; an object, a stone, and a person. These three together form the Body, Soul, and Reproduction aspects of each element. So for instance, Pahhur represents the Soul of Fire and innately dictates the rules that her element follows. Her weapon represents the Body, defining and maintaining the Fire that already exists. The third part, the stone births new Fire and is representative of Reproduction. The three together ensure the existence of the element.

On the flip side, should any part break or die that aspect would be lost. So if Pahhur dies her element will no longer follow any rules, if the weapon breaks Fire cannot exist, and if the stone breaks no new fire can be brought into the world.

That'll be all for today. Have a great week everyone!

Professor Astonishing Page 30

Dimensional Warriors Comic page 71

Fox to Renew That 80’s Show for Second Season

 LOS ANGELES- Fox Broadcasting Company Programming Director David Sleven said yesterday that the channel will be renewing That 80’s Show for a second season. The announcement was a part of Fox’s usual May presentation of its upcoming television year schedule.

The first season aired in 2002, hoping to spring off the success of That 70’s Show. Using a similar format to its predecessor, the show features main characters Corey Howard and June Tuesday as struggling punk rockers in 1980’s San Diego. Sleven believes the concept is exciting to revive. “Get ready to return to the totally rad lives of Corey and Tuesday, back on Fox this fall,” he said. “Their relationship captured the hearts of an entire generation, while simultaneously reminding us how the 80’s were not unlike today.”

Asked for specifics on the decision to bring back a show that finished its original run 11 years ago, Sleven cleared his throat a few times before finally answering, “It was mildly popular before, so I guess we may as well give it a whirl.” He denied Fox was just trying to relive its sitcom glory days of That 70’s Show.

Instead, other executives explained that the renewal is part of a larger effort to capitalize on earlier success stories. They cited their plans to bring back 24 in 2014, four years after it originally ended, as an example of their vision. “At Fox, we do whatever it takes to provide well-rated television, even if we have to use shows that were cancelled long ago.

Sleven made it clear that the decision to renew That 80’s Show was “absolutely not” because the channel doesn’t want to take a risk on a new show. Some critics alleged that networks today strive to eliminate completely original material to reduce the accompanying cost of marketing for a totally new idea.

While denying that the network was following such a strategy, Sleven did note that series like That 80’s Show already have a built-in audience. “Those 10 loyal viewers will be eager to come back to the show right away,” he said.

                                                                                        -By Mike Vandenberg

Weekly Report 5/27 - 6/2

I got another batch of names for this week. There's more being done, and I'm already working on a new opening. But I'm not sure if or how I want to put that stuff up. For now Character Bios.

Name: Vsevolod (to rule all) Stanmir (become peace). Nicknamed Jato, God's name is Fafnir based on the dwarf that became a dragon.
Age: 20
Sex: Male
Race: Russian
Class: Middle Class
Sexual Orientation: Homo
Religion: Wiccan

Name: Rudolf (fame or wolf) Walter (ruler of the army)
Age: 50
Sex: Male
Race: Roman
Class: King of a land
Sexual Orientation: Homo
Religion: Christianity

Name: Chiyoko (Thousand generation child) Masuyo (benefit or world). God name is Chronos.
Age: 16
Sex: Female
Race: Japanese
Class: Lower Middle Class
Sexual Orientation: Homo
Religion: Buddhism

Name: Nina (Fire) Millaray (Golden Flower). God's name is Ceres.
Age: 19
Sex: Female
Race: Native American
Class: Lower Middle Class
Sexual Orientation: Bi
Religion: Wiccan

Name: Abraham (Father of many) Reinhard (determined). God's name is Metudo, a name I created but fits too well to change.
Age: 19
Sex: Male
Race: German
Class: Middle Class
Sexual Orientation: Hetero
Religion: Christianity

Name: Joseph (God will add another son) Reinhard (determined). God's name is Anatos, same deal as Metudo.
Age: 16
Sex: Male
Race: German
Class: Middle Class
Sexual Orientation: Hetero
Religion: Christianity

And that brings me to about half of the major and minor characters. Hopefully more next week.

Professor Astonishing Page 29