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New Page for the good Professor!

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SUMMER IS OVER.

Ted is back from camp and work is settling into a routine for me. We finally have time to start things up again; with a few minor changes.

Dimensional Warriors is on indefinite hiatus. I'm changing a lot of how that story is going to be told. Details will come when I feel like divulging them. So instead we're going to have a huge focus on Professor Astonishing.

Unfortunately that doesn't translate to two comics a week yet, but I'm trying to convince Ted to go that route.

Study Shows Potential Jurors’ Enthusiasm Triggered Much Easier Than Rest of Population

MIDDLESEX COUNTY, NJ- Sociological researchers at Rutgers University released yesterday the results of their study, finding that the average potential juror needs far less stimulus to reach a state of enthusiasm than the general public.

The comprehensive one-day study took place last month at Middlesex County Courthouse. A separate control group was composed of 50 miscellaneous New Jersey residents.

The control group was found to need quite a large amount of stimulus to feel excited. A 23-year-old male from Piscataway, for instance, was quoted in the study as needing a lot of things to get him excited. “I work really hard and I have a few hobbies, so I already have a lot going on,” said the man, referred to as Fred in the study. “For me to get going, a roller coaster or giant water slide usually does the trick.”

However, the difference in stimulus needed for Francis, a potential juror sitting in a white-walled basement waiting room with fluorescent lighting, was large. “It’s extraordinary!” said Dr. Stephanie Johnson, who led the study. “Francis grinned ear-to-ear when she found a two-year-old copy of Vanity Fair to read. What’s more, she normally hates reading about pop culture.”

A survey conducted for both groups also revealed shocking differences in needed stimuli. In a pie chart representing the results for the control group, “Sexual Activity” received 36% of the vote, followed by “A Luxury Vacation” with 24% and “A Night of Drinking” with 22%. Other answers included “Riding a Horse”, “Watching ‘Game of Thrones’”, and “Going to a Sports Game”.

Meanwhile, results of the survey for the people on jury duty were noticeably much more mundane. “Reading That Book That’s Been Sitting on My Shelf for Years” and “Biting My Nails” received overwhelming approval, with 45% and 30%, respectively. “Sitting in a Paranoid Haze Wondering if I Put My Mother in a Good Retirement Home” and “Faking Cigarette Breaks” also received many votes.

Study assistant Glen Chapman speculates that one possible way to raise the stimulus level for potential jurors could be to, “play movies or have video games or something”. As for possible reasons for this difference from the control group, Johnson believes the stress that comes with the honor of jury service could make jurors crave distractions to ease the pressure.

“Advanced boredom is another possibility,” she added.

                                                                                -By Mike Vandenberg

Professor Astonishing 34 and Dimensional Warriors 75

Yeah, so quick note on what is going on. I have a new job, Ted is working at a camp that drains his whole week and my brother is over. These factors together somewhat ice all of my usual plans. Comics are going to start drying up soon, and while I am working on DW it is going to take a very different shape and will therefore take some time to prepare.

My brother's going to be back in college Aug. 23, and Ted should be back from camp either a bit before that or a bit after. Then we can get back to business as usual.

Also Mike is doing excellently, he's pretty much always on time. It's just me that forgets to get his stuff up.

People Who Now Need ID to Vote Happy About End of DOMA, Prop 8

 SOUTHERN U.S. - People across the Deep South Region whose states were formerly regulated by the Voting Rights Act are reportedly very happy about the end of the Defense of Marriage Act and Proposition 8.

One group of Texas Hispanic-Americans, all of whom must now show identification to vote, were elated at news that the Supreme Court has struck down both DOMA and California’s Proposition 8. Miguel Sanchez, who just two days ago was able to vote without his citizenship being questioned, said, “Today is a great day for our country.”

Meanwhile, a crowd of African Americans in Birmingham, Alabama cheered over the Court’s gay marriage decision. “It’s not full-on equality just yet, but this is a great step forward,” said Stanley Tormey, whose great-grandfather was subject to unconstitutional poll taxes for much of his life.

In a statement released after the verdict, President Obama, whose Attorney General no longer has the authority to reject maliciously-intended voting rules changes, applauded the ruling. “Today marks a historic milestone on the road to LGBT equality,” he said as equality for all races at the voting booth can now be changed at will by any state without federal approval.

“All we need now is for the rest of the states to legalize gay marriage once in for all,” said one high level Democrat, although interracial marriage wasn’t even legal in some of those states until 1967.

Frank Zippota, a gay marriage supporter standing in front of the Supreme Court pointed to the Capitol and said, “Now all we need is for the people over there to finish the job,” about an institution that probably won’t even approve a revised Voting Rights Act.

                                                                                          -By Mike Vandenberg

Professor Astonishing 33 and Dimensional Warriors 75

National Enquirer Admits to Only Following Four Celebrities for Past Five Years

LOS ANGELES- National Enquirer admitted in a brief statement yesterday that they’ve only been reporting on four celebrities for the past five years.

In the notice, Editor-in Chief Tony Frost said that they’ve only been actively following Jennifer Aniston, Lindsay Lohan, Kim Kardashian, and Miley Cyrus since 2008. “We came together as a team and realized we could save a lot of time and energy if we just focus on four celebrities,” said Frost. “As long as they all keep acting like a hot mess, why track down anyone else?”

Whenever someone gets suspicious, the statement mentions, they run a few leads that were handed to them from friends in the industry. “Otherwise we just have our creative writing department churn out a few attention-grabbing headlines,” said Frost. When asked for comment, Lindsay Lohan’s agent stated that she’s had an ongoing relationship with the tabloid for even longer than that. She added, “Let’s face it, collecting royalties from pictures depicting her as a drunken whore is pretty much the only way she gets work anymore.”

Kris Jenner, Kardashian’s manager, took a step further, saying, “This is Kim’s career after all, being a publicity figure. Why would she have said no and miss out on this opportunity? National Enquirer made my daughter a star.”

Later in the day, the magazine announced that rising publicity star Amanda Bynes had been added as a client.

                                                                                        -By Mike Vandenberg

Professor Astonishing Page 32

Dimensional Warriors page 73

Senator Lautenberg Succumbs to 113th Congress

WASHINGTON- Senator Frank Lautenberg (D-NJ) died Monday from complications of current congressional membership. He was 89.

Lautenberg served in World War II and was a successful businessman and CEO when he started flirting with politics. Flirting unfortunately led to reckless behavior, like deciding to run for the U.S. Senate in 1982. As the habit spiraled out of control, he spent a huge sum of his own money supporting a growing addiction to politics. In the election, Lautenberg was infected with the virus ST, short for Senate Term and a strand of the Congressional family. His doctors predicted that if he fought for his own pride and beliefs, he would be cured in roughly six years.

At that time, doctors instead discovered the disease had flared up again, meaning he would have to deal with another bout of senatorial membership. Still, Senator Lautenberg fought hard against the normal symptoms of partisanship and bruising of the skin to win key legislative victories. In 1994, the virus broke out again.

But still, through each break-out and until 2010, Lautenberg was able to get past the often-debilitating affliction. Even after doctors mistakenly believed he was cured for two years between 2001 and 2003, only to have senate membership break out once more, he took his illness in stride.

Since 2010 however, the affliction had taken an ugly turn; his battle with senate membership entered a new stage called Hyper-Partisanship that he could not recover from. Most damaging about this part of the disease is that a major treatment named Compromise is no longer effective.

Frail and constantly ill but never without his humor, Senator Lautenberg was rarely seen in the public eye during his last few months. In April, lack of basic gun reform combined with the common cold hurt his struggling immune system, though he did fight on until Monday.

Lautenberg is survived by his wife, Bonnie, as well his colleagues and fellow New Jersey Congressional Caucus support group members, Senator Bob Menendez and Representative Frank Pallone.

                                                                                          -By Mike Vandenberg

P. Astonishing 31 + DW 72

Between a crappy internet failing on me due to a storm and a new job the internet has succeeded in making everything late. So Congratulations! You Did It!

Congressional Republicans Resign, Cite Ideology

WASHINGTON- The current Republican congressmen and women announced at a press conference outside of the Capitol yesterday that they were all resigning in order to stay consistent with their ideology. The decision is effective at week’s end.

GOP leaders made the surprise announcement after attending a three-day strategy session. At the conclusion of their meeting, they decided that this plan was the most consistent with their beliefs.

During the press conference, House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan stressed that resignation is the only way “to be truly fiscally responsible”. Referencing his previous budget proposals consistently being voted down in the Democrat-controlled Senate, Ryan expressed his belief that resigning is the easiest way to reduce government spending. “By my calculations, removing all 278 Republican congressmen and women will instantly lower federal spending by over $48 million annually. The American people can’t afford us not doing this.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said that he originally proposed saving money by just closing the Capitol building and running Congress in a conference room in the Hilton Hotel on K Street. “My colleagues liked the idea, agreeing that it would have the added bonus of convenience for our campaign contributors. But we realized that idea just didn’t go far enough.”

Representative Michelle Bachmann said that another reason her party decided to resign was to cut down on the size of government. Although they have tried in the past few years to dismantle “big government” programs the best they could, Republicans have only met minimal success. “This is a painless way to shrink the federal government,” said Bachmann. “By resigning, we’ll be cutting down Congress to less than half its current size. It’s that simple.” Senator Lindsey Graham concurred, rhetorically asking reporters, “Why are we even here?”

To do their part and keep Congress at a low amount of seats, Reince Priebus was also at the press conference to announce that he will be disbanding the Republican National Committee, of which he was Chairman. Priebus said, “We need to do everything we can to make sure those empty seats don’t get filled. We do that by not helping anyone get elected.”

When asked for comment, Democratic House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, clearly intoxicated, told a reporter she respected the Republicans’ decision. Witnesses walking past the White House said they heard loud laughter, though spokesman Jay Carney denied those reports.

                                                                                           -by Mike Vandenberg

Weekly Report 6/3 - 6/9

I have most of the first book replanned out, but I don't want to discuss that here. So instead I will be going over a few concepts I have planned for the story, in particular the role the elements play.

I have an element list of 20 elements:
Fire, Wind, Water, Earth, Metal, Lightning, Psychic, Technology, Light, Dark, Animal, Forest, Time, Fate, Life, Death, Immortality, Selflessness, Selfishness, Dragon.

I know what each one does and how it differs from the others, and I'll probably get into that more when most of the progress is in planning events again. For now just know that there are 20.

So first I will talk about the core concept, each element has three parts to it; an object, a stone, and a person. These three together form the Body, Soul, and Reproduction aspects of each element. So for instance, Pahhur represents the Soul of Fire and innately dictates the rules that her element follows. Her weapon represents the Body, defining and maintaining the Fire that already exists. The third part, the stone births new Fire and is representative of Reproduction. The three together ensure the existence of the element.

On the flip side, should any part break or die that aspect would be lost. So if Pahhur dies her element will no longer follow any rules, if the weapon breaks Fire cannot exist, and if the stone breaks no new fire can be brought into the world.

That'll be all for today. Have a great week everyone!

Professor Astonishing Page 30

Dimensional Warriors Comic page 71

Fox to Renew That 80’s Show for Second Season

 LOS ANGELES- Fox Broadcasting Company Programming Director David Sleven said yesterday that the channel will be renewing That 80’s Show for a second season. The announcement was a part of Fox’s usual May presentation of its upcoming television year schedule.

The first season aired in 2002, hoping to spring off the success of That 70’s Show. Using a similar format to its predecessor, the show features main characters Corey Howard and June Tuesday as struggling punk rockers in 1980’s San Diego. Sleven believes the concept is exciting to revive. “Get ready to return to the totally rad lives of Corey and Tuesday, back on Fox this fall,” he said. “Their relationship captured the hearts of an entire generation, while simultaneously reminding us how the 80’s were not unlike today.”

Asked for specifics on the decision to bring back a show that finished its original run 11 years ago, Sleven cleared his throat a few times before finally answering, “It was mildly popular before, so I guess we may as well give it a whirl.” He denied Fox was just trying to relive its sitcom glory days of That 70’s Show.

Instead, other executives explained that the renewal is part of a larger effort to capitalize on earlier success stories. They cited their plans to bring back 24 in 2014, four years after it originally ended, as an example of their vision. “At Fox, we do whatever it takes to provide well-rated television, even if we have to use shows that were cancelled long ago.

Sleven made it clear that the decision to renew That 80’s Show was “absolutely not” because the channel doesn’t want to take a risk on a new show. Some critics alleged that networks today strive to eliminate completely original material to reduce the accompanying cost of marketing for a totally new idea.

While denying that the network was following such a strategy, Sleven did note that series like That 80’s Show already have a built-in audience. “Those 10 loyal viewers will be eager to come back to the show right away,” he said.

                                                                                        -By Mike Vandenberg

Weekly Report 5/27 - 6/2

I got another batch of names for this week. There's more being done, and I'm already working on a new opening. But I'm not sure if or how I want to put that stuff up. For now Character Bios.

Name: Vsevolod (to rule all) Stanmir (become peace). Nicknamed Jato, God's name is Fafnir based on the dwarf that became a dragon.
Age: 20
Sex: Male
Race: Russian
Class: Middle Class
Sexual Orientation: Homo
Religion: Wiccan

Name: Rudolf (fame or wolf) Walter (ruler of the army)
Age: 50
Sex: Male
Race: Roman
Class: King of a land
Sexual Orientation: Homo
Religion: Christianity

Name: Chiyoko (Thousand generation child) Masuyo (benefit or world). God name is Chronos.
Age: 16
Sex: Female
Race: Japanese
Class: Lower Middle Class
Sexual Orientation: Homo
Religion: Buddhism

Name: Nina (Fire) Millaray (Golden Flower). God's name is Ceres.
Age: 19
Sex: Female
Race: Native American
Class: Lower Middle Class
Sexual Orientation: Bi
Religion: Wiccan

Name: Abraham (Father of many) Reinhard (determined). God's name is Metudo, a name I created but fits too well to change.
Age: 19
Sex: Male
Race: German
Class: Middle Class
Sexual Orientation: Hetero
Religion: Christianity

Name: Joseph (God will add another son) Reinhard (determined). God's name is Anatos, same deal as Metudo.
Age: 16
Sex: Male
Race: German
Class: Middle Class
Sexual Orientation: Hetero
Religion: Christianity

And that brings me to about half of the major and minor characters. Hopefully more next week.

Professor Astonishing Page 29

Dimensional Warriors comic page 70

Boy Scouts Vote for Half-Inclusiveness

GRAPEVINE, TEXAS- The Boy Scouts of America’s 14,000 voting members approved a plan yesterday to make the organization half-inclusive to homosexuals.

Winning 61 percent of the votes, the policy will take affect January 1^st and allow gay scouts while still excluding gay leaders. Wayne Perry, president of the organization, remarked, “This is a great half-success for the BSA. We pride ourselves on the halfway-diversity of our members. This is just a continuation of our mission.”

A previous proposal included letting individual troops decide how inclusive they felt like being in a diverse and fair 21^st century American society. However, it was quickly ruled out as being too tolerant for an organization that prides itself on tolerance. At one point, the BSA also considered lifting the ban on all gay members. That idea too was shut down, fearing the reaction of the organization’s religiously accepting scouts to “avowed homosexuals”.

Critics of the new half-inclusive policy stated that it is unnecessary and inconsistent. “All closeted gays were allowed in scouts before. Why not keep it that way?” asked Sean Hannity from Fox News.

Supporters of the new rule hailed it as a half-step in the right direction. The Human Rights Campaign’s statement on the news said, “America has constantly made compromises on basic values to move forward as a society. Who can forget all of the good that came from The Missouri Compromise of 1850? Or how Allied appeasement prevented a second world war? The new BSA policy will be just as much of a success as those were.” 

                                                                                       -By Mike Vandenberg

Weekly Report 5/20 - 5/26

So, I think I can sum up this week in one sentence: Naming is hard.

Pretty much spent the whole week renaming characters and I barely got through half of them. However I did finish getting some basic characteristics down for everyone. Here's what I've got so far:

Pahhur:
Name: Carlos (meaning free man or strong) Reinhard (meaning determined) which is fairly indicative of his/her character's thought process. Pahhur (meaning Fire) is still going to be the God Given name.
Age: 20
Race: Spanish/German
Sex: Male/Female
Sexual Orientation: Bi
Social Class: Middle Class
Religion: Doesn't Care

Seth:
Name: Wilheard (Meaning will or hardy) Wilfred (Meaning desiring peace) Then once he is converted into a shadow he'll gain the name Seth. I think this speaks of his character and will create internal strife once he becomes a shadow.
Race: Caucasian
Sex: Male
Sexual Orientation: Hetero
Social Class: Poor
Religion: Hindu

Odin:
Name: Heng (permanent or constant) Kun (earth) This one is pretty obvious, and again he'll get the name Odin after becoming a God which also has obvious implications to his character.
Age: 24
Race: Chinese
Sex: Male
Sexual Orientation: Hetero
Social Class: Poor
Religion: Origin Gods

Vyrse:
Name: Vyrse Nemo (meaning nobody)
Age: 50
Race: Caucasian
Sex: Male
Sexual Orientation: A
Social Class: Upper-Middle
Religion: Atheist

Raven:
Name: Raven Wilson
Age: 45
Race: Roman
Sex: Male
Sexual Orientation: Hetero
Class: Lower Noble (Captain of the Royal Guard)
Religion: Origin Gods

Jude:
Name: Jude Riot
Age: 40
Race: American, Southern
Sex: Male
Sexual Orientation: Hetero
Social Class: Upper
Religion: Christianity

Syndil:
Name: Syndil Wilson
Age: 16
Race: Roman
Sex: Female
Sexual Orientation: Hetero
Class: Lower Nobility
Religion: Origin Gods

Professor Astonishing page 28

Dimensional Warriors Comic page 69

Animal Farmer Joe Media Still Savagely Beating Dead Horse Lohan

CATRON COUNTY, NEW MEXICO- Neighbors doing their yearly check-up on Joe Media’s farm yesterday confirmed that he has been beating his dead horse, called Lindsay Lohan, for seven years now.

Lohan, as the female horse was more commonly known, was born in 1986. Almost from the beginning, she exhibited the build of a racehorse that could do great things. Her original owner, Dina, saw economic opportunity in her running ability and enrolled her in races at some local tracks. She handily won them all.

She would later go on to win the Preakness in 1998. Given low odds even with her record, Lohan’s triumph resulted in a payout of $92 million for her supporters. Five years later, she won the Kentucky Derby on a cold Friday during a freak thunderstorm, earning her fans over $160 million. But it was all downhill from there for poor Lohan.

Shortly after that race, she was bought by Joe Media and moved to his farm in New Mexico. One night, Media brought the water trough into the barn. When he slammed the door closed, a bottle of Grey Goose vodka fell off the shelf and into the trough. Lohan would never be the same.

While still appearing in some races occasionally, Lohan’s alcoholism kept getting in the way. Stints in horse rehab proved futile, and Media began to beat her for her drinking. In 2006, Lohan succumbed to the combination of abuse and died. Witnesses reported that her last word was, “Neigh.”

For reasons unknown, Media continued to beat Lohan even after the horse died. In the past seven years, he has alternated which tool he uses for his endless savage beating, but typically uses a police baton. Every minute, he temporarily stops to take pictures of it lying there as it miserably decomposes. When questioned by reporters on their yearly visit as to why he is relentlessly beating his dead horse, Media said, “I just care. I care so much. Look at her; she used to be so talented and graceful.”

“This can’t possibly be my fault,” Media assured the neighbors.

                                                                                                           - By Mike Vandenberg

Weekly Report 5/13 - 5/19

So to basically prove that I haven't stopped working, I'll be providing updates to what I'm doing here. Ted and the others are all doing their thing well enough, and the proof of that is the mostly on time weekly updates. It's really just me that's stopped. And that's 'cause I'm doubling down and working on DW to make it better than ever.

What that means is a lot of planning at this point. I've written and re-written the piece a billion times by now, and I know generally the type of story I want to write. I just need to sit down and work with each character, flesh out their backstories, work on names, make them more relatable. Which is what I have been doing, I've gotten a pretty fleshed out backstory for all of my characters, and tied them all together, and now I'm working on names.

Now with names, it's a little awkward. Many names were chosen by the people the characters were based on, and for the most part they work perfectly. But they aren't names these characters would be born into. So they have their birth names, and then the names they inherit once they get their gifts. (I also dropped Antigon Haiden as it was just clumsy to say. Plus I could never decide what part should be the surname, and therefore a part of Leukos/Metudo/Anatos' names. So their family name is now Reinhard.)

Most of the naming process is finding names with meaning, and making sure those meanings stack up with what I want that character to represent.

Also, while I'm doing this to let people know I haven't vanished from the face of the world, this will also serve as a place for me to collect my most recent thought and see if new patterns appear. That said, I'm going to not broadcast these over facebook, twitter and google, since they are mostly me rambling for a page or so and very few people would be interested in that.

Professor Astonishing comic page 27

Sorry for the late update, it was my fault. Had to handle two year olds yesterday so I couldn't get this up.

Dimensional Warriors comic page 68

My Victory Proves the American Dream is Still Alive, Even for Scumbags like Me

By Rep. Mark Sanford, 1^st District of South Carolina

On May 7^th, the people of Charlotte and its surrounding coastal towns picked me, Mark Sanford, to work for them in the House of Representatives. During my campaign, I made clear the fact that the American Dream is still alive and well in this great nation. With the shit I’ve pulled, my election to Congress proves it.

America is the land of opportunity, after all. In this country, if you work hard, you can do anything. Upward mobility is what we pride ourselves on. That intern fetching coffee? I he works hard enough, he can be the CEO one day. Or, to put it another way, that governor who left his job in disgrace after taking a taxpayer-funded vacation to Argentina? He can get elected to public office again someday.

I may be a little biased as a Republican, but one of the things I think we need to be successful are strong family values. We can climb that ladder to opportunity as long as we have a wonderful family holding the footings. A family that loves and trusts us whole-heartedly. And believes us when we say we’re going hiking on the Appalachian Trail.

America also provides us with the freedom to reach for the top. The founding fathers, after all, created this country with a can-do spirit. Without our freedom, we could never have industrialized more than any other nation on Earth. Or cheat on our wives, get divorced, and then marry our mistresses.

In the United States, we can go anywhere or do anything. If, for example, we want to start a new life on another coast and make a name for ourselves, we can still be financially successful. If I want to trespass on my ex-wife’s property and consequently lose all campaign funding from the National Republican Congressional Committee, I can still win an election.

Because American society is a great collection of unique individual citizens all looking to make a name for themselves. We’re all looking to be recognized and rewarded by our peers for all of our hard work. Even if we happen to be a selfish asshole in our personal lives.

                                                                                                  -By Mike Vandenberg

Weekly Report

Finals are over, school is over, just the graduation ceremony on Thursday. So a new chapter is opening up, one where I have to find a job.

That said, here's a bit of an update on what's going on with everyone.

Ted is scrambling to get enough comic pages done to cover his 8 weeks at camp this summer.

Radar is moving to Seattle, so we might not hear much from him going forward.

Mike will be working about the same.

And I will be moving in about six weeks.

As far as my writing goes, I'm working pretty full time on it, but I had to drop back down to the planning phases. You guys will probably not see too much from Dimensional Warriors out of me for a bit while I get resituated. That said I plan on getting some work done in my other projects now that I have the time.

Have a great week folks.

Professor Astonishing page 26

Dimensional Warriors Comic page 67

Professor Astonishing page 25

Dimensional Warriors comic page 66

“I Mean, One of Them Must be Good, Right?” Ponders Jets GM to Himself about 6 Quarterbacks on Roster

NEW YORK- After the second round of the NFL draft Friday, Jets General Manager John Idzik was heard mumbling to himself about whether his strategy to find a starting quarterback would be successful.

With their third overall pick, the Jets selected Geno Smith out of West Virginia after also signing David Garrard earlier this off-season. That brings the team’s quarterback count to six, with Mark Sanchez, Tim Tebow, Greg McElroy, and Matt Simms already on the roster. Idzik has advocated for an “open competition” at the position, not guaranteeing the starting job to any player in particular.

An assistant manager, who asked to be anonymous in order to speak to the media, claims that Idzik could be heard asking himself the question shortly after the selection of Smith. “He was shaking too. Eyes darting all over the room. He definitely looked unsure of himself,” said the assistant.

Idzik reportedly continued, “Damn it, I knew filling this position would be hard, but shit. I need to find a quarterback for this team, and I’ll draft them all until I find one with a completion percentage above 50%.”

“Surely one of these guys can play quarterback. Oh dear God I hope so,” Idzik also said.

When leaving the draft Friday night with his boss, the assistant also claims Idzik asked him if he’d ever thrown a football before.

Weekly Report 4/15-4/28

Hey, just checking in to let everyone know, work is still sort of being done. Both the comics and a few other projects are slowing down though since both Ted and I are in our last two weeks of classes. And I mean last as in we're graduating after this. So expect delays and non-existent posts for another few weeks. We're almost done here, and then we can be dumped into the great wide world where our degrees will cause us no end of trouble.

Professor Astonishing page 24

Dimensional Warriors Comic page 65

Sorry about how late this is. I forgot.

Kittens Are Cute Act Fails in Senate

WASHINGTON- The Kittens Are Cute Act failed in the Senate yesterday with a vote of 54-46, short of the needed 60 votes to overcome a Republican filibuster.

The shortest bill in Congressional history, it simply reads as follows, “As one nation of animal lovers, America henceforth expands its status of cute to kittens. Anyone who tries to put such status above other animals will face a mandatory prison sentence.”

Sponsored by Senators Joe Manchin, Democrat from West Virginia, and Pat Toomey, Republican from Pennsylvania, the bill was formerly seen as a compromise capable of passing.

Supported by President Obama as a first step, it was the cornerstone of a package to help kittens. Other measures in the president’s proposal, such as capping the amount of kittens allowed in a litter and banning large-breed cats like lions and tigers, were defeated under larger margins.

While the defeat of those measures was expected, few thought the Kittens Are Cute Act would fail as well. In a recent poll, the statement was found to be supported by 90% of Americans. An unusually high rating was thought to guarantee the bill’s passage.

President Obama was not short on words following the defeat, railing against Republicans in the Senate for “not doing their jobs” and not representing their constituents. In unusually direct terms, the president singled-out NAKA (National Anti-Kitten Association) in particular for “deliberately lying” to the American people, calling their actions shameful. “NAKA said over and over again, that this bill would be a slippery slope, leading to kittens being called cuter than spiders and platypuses, even though the bill would specifically outlaw such a practice.” Looking visibly frustrated, Obama added, “I mean, it’s two sentences long. It’s a no-brainer.”

First Dog Bo Obama said, “Although I support the right of animals to keep households for themselves, even I can admit that kittens are cute. It’s common sense.”

                                                                              -by Mike Vandenberg

Professor Astonishing page 23

Dimensional Warriors Comic page 64

Quartering Reform Still Faces Uphill Congressional Battle

WASHINGTON- Debate on reforming the government’s ability to quarter soldiers in private homes still faces stiff resistance from many Congressional leaders.

Prominent Republican congressmen have sponsored the bill, called the Quartering Reform and Military Readiness Act, which calls for allowing active duty troops to be housed in ordinary citizens’ homes, with or without the owner’s consent, near military bases across America. The proposal is seen by critics as a violation of the Third Amendment of the Bill of Rights, which states, “No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.”

Yet Republicans, such as Representative and House Majority leader Eric Cantor, have given a few reasons why “sometimes we must do what’s necessary to keep America safe. As a nation still at war in Afghanistan, our resources are stretched at home. Troops need a more comfortable place to stay, such as someone else’s home, to keep up morale.” Congressman Paul Ryan pointed out that having soldiers’ living expenses paid for by ordinary citizens could “contribute to our mission of making smaller government, one that does not need to waste money on frivolous things like the well-being if its fighting force”.

Most of all however, the proposal specifically cites the Patriot Act and Guantanamo Bay as examples of slightly bending the rules in order to “keep America secure”. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, when asked directly if he was concerned about violating the Third Amendment, replied, “Not at all, why should we be? After 9/11, we still respected the Fourth Amendment’s restrictions against search and seizure, but the Patriot Act was necessary to protect our freedom. And yes, other amendments may say something about due process and cruel and unusual punishment, but we still believed in opening Guantanamo Bay to hold suspects without trial.” McConnell continued, “I mean look, the Constitution is over 200 years old. Our founding fathers did not have to fight a modern war on terror.”

Senator Lindsey Graham added, “Don’t forget, the quartered soldiers will be armed. That’ll help make sure citizens have a gun in their home, so that they can strictly follow the Second Amendment.”

                                                                                                  -by Mike Vandenberg