Honestly, My Marlboros Are the Only Things That Keep Me Going Anymore

By Barack Obama, 44^th President of the United States

As president, it has been an honor to serve the American people these last four years. Your letters of encouragement have given me hope for this great nation, and confirmation that the victories I have won have been met with satisfaction. But seriously, sometimes the only thing that calms my nerves after, for instance, yet another pundit on Fox News accuses me of foul play in Benghazi is a smooth Marlboro cigarette.

Don’t get me wrong, I have the support of a loving family. Michelle is the best wife I could ask for, a life partner who is always there to give a word of advice when I need it most. Hugs from my daughters instantly brighten my day. Heck, even throwing around a tennis ball with Bo on the South Lawn puts a smile on my face. But the truth is nothing quite calms me down after yet another Republican filibuster like lighting one up in the Oval Office, smoke alarms be damned.

If I didn’t have that occasional cigarette, some nights I’d probably just veto every bill on my desk and then light them all on fire. Do you feel suddenly uncomfortable? Too bad! Sorry, I’m a bit antsy now because I haven’t had a drag all day. I emptied the pack after [Senator Lindsay] Graham said he might block [Secretary of Defense nominee Chuck] Hagel’s confirmation vote.

I mean, you should have seen me during my reelection campaign. I had one of the best campaign teams I could ever ask for and support from voters like you. But oh man, I was charging through cartons in October like they were going out of style. Well, I guess they are actually.

Because smoking’s bad for you, folks. And I certainly am aware of that. It’s unhealthy and poisonous. But 

do you know what’s more unhealthy and poisonous? An entire political party ceaselessly calling me a socialist.

So I’m sorry I lied about quitting. I tried, I really did, but sometimes I need that little bit of nicotine to get me through things like having to debate Mitt Romney or confirming that Obamacare won’t kill your grandparents.

I may have a bad tobacco habit, but I assure you the only thing that I’m addicted to is moving this country forward.

By Mike Vandenberg