Paul Ryan Should Take Over After Me

By Pope Benedict XVI

His Holiness spoke at a meeting of the College of Cardinals yesterday. A transcript of his speech is printed here.

Your eminences. Dear brother bishops and priests. Dear brothers and sisters. Dear alter boys. I sprinkle holy water in your general direction.

As you all know, I will be stepping down in approximately a week, due to stress from old age and definitely, absolutely, not anything else. I assume you are currently deliberating on whom the next pope will be. I am aware that I am not supposed to be a part of the decision on the technicality that I was supposed to be dead before it took place. However, due to the current circumstances, I have decided to at least point out my preferred successor: Paul Ryan.

Let me briefly explain why I feel he is the right man for the papacy. First of all, he has never touched anyone inappropriately, unless you count- actually, never mind. Second, Ryan’s adherence to the philosophies of Ayn Rand makes him the perfect choice to lead Catholicism’s spread of the word of Jesus Christ. Ayn Rand believed that everyone’s only life goal should be to pursue their own rational self-interests. If other people fall on hard times, that is clearly their own fault and so society should not help.

Paul Ryan is an excellent Catholic for agreeing with Rand on these wonderful values. He believes that such a philosophy is in-line with and actually enforces Christ’s teachings to feed the hungry and clothe the poor. I could not agree more. That is why, logically, I keep a copy of Rand’s novel, Atlas Shrugged, next to my personal Bible in my study.

I would even go so far as to say the Ryan Budget is the values of Jesus Christ translated into numbers and dollar signs. I mean, it may as well have been written by a pope like me. Cutting food stamps for low-income families? That sounds just like feeding the hungry. Lowering housing subsidies for even the working poor? A fresh and modern idea. Let’s not forget, the budget would do all of that while simultaneously increasing military spending to astronomical levels, a perfect way to achieve Jesus’ goals of peace and understanding.

I can see it now: Pope Paul Ryan, former U.S. Representative from Wisconsin and Vice Presidential candidate, addressing the church’s loyal followers in St. Peter’s Square and wearing my sacred robes. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit will surely look down on the moment and concur with his infallibility.

                                                                                                                                 By Mike Vandenberg